So it must begin...

I want it to end; but this is only the beginning. You who read this might be perfect strangers or some of my closest friends. However, by reading this you are equal by trust. You both receive the same trust, and I am equally vulnerable to the person in Eastern China as I am to the person in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Yes, I am afraid of the consequences because I know me. I am who I am. I know where I have been and I know this cycle I live. But you don't. Mainly because I don't trust you with anything but the lies. This time this brutal cycle must end. Somehow it has to be stopped and my skewed perceptions of God need to be fixed. My head and my heart are very closely tied. Unless both parts agree in unison I am paralyzed. My heart is heavy and my head is clouded. Here is where my problems with God begin. At some point I came to the realization that God existed and I should serve him, but I missed one truth that is crucial to the Christian faith. I, somehow, am unable to believe that God is love. I know the Bible teaches of God and of his love, faithfulness, and sovereignty, but my heart doesn't agree. You see, I have been wounded. I've been betrayed, dropped, and I still hurt. There is no breath without pain, No thought without question. How is God going to be any different? Is He any different?

This is the beginning. A friend of mine has asked me to take two weeks to try something new, something that is going to be a challenge, and there will be days where I don't feel like completing the task, but I have agreed to it so I must. I am to read at least one chapter from the following books: Genesis, Isaiah, Psalms, Matthew, and Romans. And then spend the rest of the time in prayer- Oh, and this needs to consume one hour of my day. Do I want to do this- no not really. Should I, most definately. So I will... and we will see what happens.