two chairs over.

I had to get my blood drawn today. So as any person would do I went to the doctor's office, was immediately directed to the labratory where I registered, and then proceeded to find a place to sit down and wait. I looked around and found a chair to sit in- exactly one seat away from the nearest person. Everyone else had strategically placed themselves separated from the next person by one chair as well.

I laughed to myself as I thought- we live in a one chair world now don't we? And then I thought- how long will we continue to separate ourselves by one chair? Keeping people at a distance by one lie, or one excuse, or one chair? How long will we keep God at a distance by refusing to give up a day, or a minute, or even a few seconds?

Do we live in a world where we desire personal comfort over companionship? Are we so concerned with the things in our day or consumed by our thoughts to recognize the needs of a stranger? Will we ever allow ourselves to step out of our comfort zone to reach the person sitting two chairs over?

even the blind

Eyes illuminated through blindness
Even the deaf man hears the sadness
A cripple cries out for pieces of change
The addict looking for her next dime
Each of them asking begging for the time
And time passes by as I
Choose to ignore the broken Saviour
He is the harlot lost between the sheets
A criminal chained in shackles
Will I serve on bent knees
To wash the feet of the least of these
Will I run with empty hands
To hold the wounds of that man
Will I turn the other cheek
When I'm found beaten on the street
Will I go to darkened roads
To a place where the city lights
Cannot illuminate the darkness

thanks.

I've been craving intimacy with God lately. I mean intimacy more than a short prayer or reading time...I've just been needing God- constantly. I've always heard of God being comfort and shelter and stuff like that. But I never understood and I've never needed it more. I've come to realize that in the position I am in- I could be in a more compromising postition. Or in complete trouble anyways.

There are a few people to whom I owe huge thank you's.
I know it's cliche- and im usually anti-cliche- but I really must include God in this. Like seriously- if I were Him- I'd never do the crazy stuff he does in the name of love. So- its a good think I'm not- because I'd be a horrible God.

Amanda- thanks for informing me about the wonders 'drugs' did for you. and for telling me its okay to need them or to try them. thanks for dragging me to church on sunday mornings- I wouldnt have gone otherwise. thanks for the nights to tim's and the times of complete venting and laughter. thanks for your trust.

the many pastors I talk with- thanks for inviting me to share with you and thanks for sharing with me. I appreciate it. I've learned so much from you all within the past few weeks. You do- what as of now only dream of doing.

Jerry- thanks for being so cool with my wreckless behavior- yet intolerant at the same time. I appreciate that you never really went off on me. A few times we've had disagreements and discussions- but I've always benefited from them. Thanks for in some ways inviting me to hang out in other ways forcing me to leave my apartment. from the late night talks- to taking my blades- to giving me your bible to read. thank you for trusting me- and allowing me to trust you.

Robbie- bro. I miss you like crazy. I love you. Thanks for all of the prayers, talks, and gifts of love. I am thankful for all of the advice and for your brotherly love.

dream.

What do I dream of?
i dream of coffee house relationships
i dream of being an author
i dream of being more than a pastor
i dream of being a friend, a person to confide in
i dream of organizing a small group
i dream of living the city life
i dream of having a masters degree
i dream of earning a doctorate
i dream of so many things.
what do you dream of?

Even so.

The world in which I live causes my heart to break. Every day I see people who laugh at the cross, who foolishly ignore the message. For as scripture says it is foolishness to those who are perishing. This is another issue that causes my heart to feel both heavy and light. This brokenness is heavy- often times more than what I feel I can handle. Even so, this brokenness is what I desire. A broken heart is a heart that longs for Yahweh. Pure in love. Honest in prayer. Patient in affliction. Open in worship. Disciplined, yet hopeful. Out of this position of the heart comes my sense of calling. My sense of belonging. It's the thing that drives my passion for people. Even the people I don't know.

I've been praying a really simple prayer lately. It's only a few lines long, but it's straight from the heart.

Yahweh-
the desire of my heart is to know yours.
your love is my lifesong.
your grace is my freedom.
reveal to me my passions,
show me your heart.

he is certainly greater than you, the clay

We all live in a world where fantasy is most often defeated by reality. Too bad, eh?

"And so the Lord says,
'These people say they are mine.
They honor me with their lips,
But their hearts are far from me.
And their worship of me
is nothing but man-made rules learned by rote.'"

"What sorrow awaits those who try to hide their
plans from the Lord,
who do their evil deeds in the dark!
'The Lord can't see us,' they say.
'He doesn't know what's going on!'
How foolish can you be?
He is the Potter, and he is certainly greater
than you, the clay!
Should the created thing say of the one who
made it,"He didn't make me"?
Does a jar ever say,
"The potter who made me is stupid"? [Isaiah 29:13 & 29:15-16]

Somedays, I feel like my worship is nothing more than words leaving my mouth or thoughts streaming through my head. And somedays I truly feel like I'm connecting with God in a way I've never met with him before. And somedays, I really do mean the words I'm saying or I rejoice in the thoughts I have about God but I don't feel like God's present. Even so, I know my worship is more than rules made by man. I know I've been drawing near to God with words that please him, worship him, honor him and so much more. I'm not trying to hide anything from him. I'm not trying to tell him I know how to do it. I'm not trying to change his plans to fit my plans. In fact- all I am trying to do is find out what his plan is so I can change mine. For the Potter truly is greater than the clay.

You see- I delight in God. My Father. My Saviour. And I want him to know that. Just as he wants me to know- and you to know- that he delights in you. He delights in every aspect of your life. For as a potter delights in creating a new vase or a new jar- Yahweh delights in changing you-molding you to be like him. He delights in us. Crazy. But true.

Take some time to delight in God today- don't tell him he's a stupid potter- instead allow him to create something new in your heart.

to you. (but only in half)

You’re a marvelous being a creature even to science unknown
Sure you have a DNA code and fingerprints your own
Yet your faith is not complete
You fear defeat
Unspoken fears of definite failure
Though you won’t there
Don’t forget that your life is not you’re own
Called to let your light be shown
Cities of darkness churches gone down
Yet there are people in one certain town
With every breath you feel your heartbeat
Intensifies with every person you meet
The desire to go, to tackle the unknown
Fear, Anxiety, the soul’s unheard moan
You want to dance with gladness
But you’ve been handed days of sadness
Into your relationships it all permeates
Constantly reminding you of feelings you hate
It has to be painful watching from the outside
With unexplainable feelings on the inside
Seeing your dreams in the distance
Being on the other side of the fence
When will you let it go
Yahweh has so much more to show
Be insecure, doubt, and even fear
Allow Yahweh to draw near
You’ll do just fine
You’ll see this in time
Walk on the waters of the sea named doubt
Don’t take your eyes off of the one who casts it out
This you already know
You’ve told me so
Just trust and believe
Spend some time on your knees
Be patient and daring
Never give up on caring
One day you’ll look back and laugh
The times you believed- but only in half.

Is home really where the heart is?

I must admit that I am what most people would consider sketchy and skeptical. I don't really fit into any formed molds and I don't really believe there are many absolute truths. I really have caused a lot of people to question whether or not I even have a belief system at all. I do. Surprised?

I've really been caught on some different passages that deal with similar heart issues.

1. Matthew 8:18-22 When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he instructed his disciples to cross to the other side of the lake. Then one of the teachers of religious law said to him, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go." But Jesus replied, "Foxes have dens to live in, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place even to lay his head." Another of his disciples said, "Lord, first let me return home and bury my father." But Jesus told him, "Follow me now. Let the spiritually dead bury their own dead."

2. Matthew 9:36-38 When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them because they were confused and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. He said to his disciples, "The harvest is great, but the workers are few. So pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask him to send more workers into his fields."

3. Matthew 10:37- 39 "If you love your father or mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.

4. Matthew 11:28-30 Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."

I think about these verses a lot when I am praying about what I need to be doing with my life in ministry. I know that I need to be working with inner city young adults but I have a big fear of going to a city I don’t know. It hasn’t bothered me too much moving to a new place for college because it seems relatively temporary and that eases my fear of being so distant from where my safety net is. I get thinking about how much I would fear being in an unknown place, doing ministry, serving people I’m not familiar with, and that drives me away from being flexible and open to where God wants to place me.

It’s not a surprise to God when he goes "follow me" and we go "okay, but let me do this first". Or "okay, but with these terms and conditions, sign on the dotted line." Jesus never told his disciples okay- do what you think you need to do first and then join me- he basically went listen, what you want to do isn’t what you really need to do. "let the spiritually dead bury their own dead"

Eh, after all of my rambling you probably don’t understand what I’m trying to get at because I haven’t had the time to collectively put together all of my thoughts. In short, I have this great debate in my head and my heart.

Does my family mean more to me than following God’s will? Am I praying for people to go out into the fields to harvest when I’m supposed to go myself? Am I clinging to my life, knowing that I will eventually lose it? Am I fearful that the burden of the Lord is too heavy? Am I trying to bury my dead?

There are a lot of big cities out there that need people who are following God and his dream for their lives. In my head there are only two. In my heart there is only one.

"If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine." -Jesus

"No, you did laugh."

I've been reading through the book of Genesis. I read chapters 15-18 yesterday and this is the product of what I've been thinking about since then:

The story:
Abram [Abraham] was promised to be the father of many nations and even though his wife was barren and he himself was 99 years old. However, he had faith in the Lord's promise and considered himself blessed even before the blessing was tangible. Sarai [Sarah] wasn't so convinced. In chapter 15 we see God's covenant with Abram- "Then the Lord took Abram outside and said to him, “Look up into the sky and count the stars if you can. That’s how many descendants you will have!”" In chapter 16 we see that Sarai is still living in doubt of the promise made to Abram- and she gives her servant to him as a wife to have children with so he might have an heir. When Hagar becomes pregnant she begins to treat Sarah in such a way that causes Sarah to drive her away. At the time that Hagar and Abram's child was born Abram was 86 years old.

It is in chapter 17 that we see Abram's name changed to Abraham and he is again promised countless decendants by God. We also see Sarai named Sarah and she is promised to give birth to a son, a heir for Abraham. But even Abraham questions God in doubt- how is she to have a child, she is too old, he says. But God is patiently stubborn and declares that Sarah will give birth to a son by the same time next year.

In chapter 18 Abraham is visited by the Lord again and he has a meal prepared for his guests. One of the men proclaimed again that Sarah would become pregnant and have a child at that time the following year- and Sarah overhearing the conversation from the tent laughed to herself. But God- the same God Hagar named as 'the God who sees me'- asked why did she laugh? does she believe there is something too hard for the Lord? Sarah caught and afraid denied that she laughed, but God knew her and said, "No, you did laugh."

A year after this visit and 14 years after Abraham and Hagar's son was born Sarah gave birth to a son- Abram was 100 years old. It took 14 years of faith to receive have the tangible portion of the blessing given by God.

So I wonder, has the drive for instant gratification ruined humanity's chances of receiving God's blessings? Has our lack of patience somehow infiltrated our faith- making it useless? Afterall, if we do not receive what we have been promised on our time line- we assume its never going to happen. In fact we laugh at God's promises, and then find ourselves suprised, and maybe even afraid when God asks, "why did you laugh?" Will we, like Sarah, deny the fact we laughed only to be told by God, "No, you did laugh."? Can we really haave faith in God- that his word is true- can we really trust him for his blessings? Do we have the ability to be patient enough to recieve the blessing or do we unashamedly laugh at God?

Suck it up.

I don't feel like doing my reading today. I don't feel like praying today. So, why am I going to force myself to do it anyways?
Two reasons come to mind:
1. I made a promise to do it for atleast 2 weeks, and I hate breaking my promises
2. I know its something I need to do. I need to be reading my Bible and praying.
so the phrase, fake it until you make it, comes to mind...
or suck it up, and do it anyways.

God, how can you be sleeping?

Then Jesus got into the boat and started across the lake with his disciples. Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”
Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!” Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.
The disciples were amazed. “Who is this man?” they asked. “Even the winds and waves obey him!” [Matthew 8]

It seems that all too often I find myself in the middle of a storm. The winds create waves that seem like walls of impossibility the beautiful depths of the waters are clouded with uncertainty. And it seems that I forget that I serve the Master of the wind and the waves. I watch the waves come crashing down and I look into the cloudy waters trying to find my escape. The storm strikes ruthlessly and doesn't cease despite my desperate cries and my fear grows within me that my boat won't hold up against the brutality of the wind and waters. And I think to myself: God, how can you be sleeping?

As the storm continues on I panic looking for the easiest and simplist fix that doesn't require any sacrifice or humility. I'd rather find my own way out- thanks God, but I don't need your help just yet. Eventually I go running to Yahweh saying- I'm going to drown! I can't swim in these waters! And He turns to me and says, "Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!" As the waters still and the winds cease their blowing I can see clearly that God was there in the midst of the storm I was simply blinded by my surroundings. I take my eyes off of him and that allows Satan to turn a small windstorm into a hurricane. If I would trust that God is always there, even when the waters become muddy, and the walls of water reach uncontrollable heights, I would never have to ask: God, how can you be sleeping?

Leprosy.

"Large crowds followed Jesus as he came down the mountainside. Suddenly, a man with leprosy approached him and knelt before him. “Lord,” the man said, “if you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean.” Jesus reached out and touched him. “I am willing,” he said. “Be healed!” And instantly the leprosy disappeared." [Matthew 8]

I read this yesterday. The day before a friend and I had talked about how we all just need to go to God and say look, I'm dirty but you can clean me. But we all try to become better on our own first. So when I read this it caught me off guard- I wasn't expecting a story about leprosy to speak so directly to my heart. I fight so much to keep my distance from God, and I try to make myself better before I go to him for help. Hoping maybe he won't have to help me as much and that will somehow make me a better person. When in reality all I'm doing is causing a greater seperation between myself and Yahweh.

I find it so ironic that Yahweh sits there waiting- wait, I find it ironic how he constantly comes after us- but he still waits for us to turn to him. And yet, we keep running. He won't make me give him my heart. He won't force me into prayer and reading scripture. He's not like that.

"I am willing," he said.

That's what he is like. He is willing. The moment we turn to him he wants to reassure us that he is willing. He is willing to heal us, willing to take the pain, willing to love us. In the scripture above the phsyical illness was healed instantly but that doesn't guarantee that Yahweh is going to heal me instantly or heal you instantly, instead it is a promise that you and I will both be healed. Before anything can take place though, we have to make a move towards Yahweh.

“Lord,” the man said, “if you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean.”

This is where I am right now. I have to go to Yahweh saying, "if you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean." And I know that Yahweh is going to say, "I am willing." I've turned to him before, but each time holding my doubts in my hand, reluctant to let them go as well. Our lives are changed by moving towards the Lord and allowing his love and healing to cause a permanant change instead of attempting to help our situation and forcing temporary changes in our lives.

Even so, the changes in my life have been small they've been from the heart of Yahweh and thats what matters to me right now.

a letter.

Everyone might have their questions, but only I have the answers. So please, while I can, let me explain my decision to leave Bethany this semester. Right now- even as I write this letter my heart is very heavy. I chose to do something I thought I wanted and turns out I was wrong. And I know my character hasn't always reflected Christ and for that I am truly sorry.
Some time ago I blamed God for something horrible that happened in my life. I blamed God for the pain, anger, hurt, confussion, and sense of betrayal that stemmed from my Grandma's untimely and sudden death almost 8 years ago. At the time I had not yet given my life to Christ and had no idea what his love is like. I still don't. Because I have blamed God most of my life for the pain I carry with me on a daily basis I have never allowed God to truly come close enough to love me as he wants to love me. I have been so afriad my whole life to let anyone care for me because I fear being hurt, lied to, dropped, and broken more than I fear death.
This has made it particularly hard to commit to God's will for my life. How am I supposed to follow a God I can't seem to trust or love? My resistance to God's love has caused me to do somethings that I regret greatly. Because I feel that I have no one to help me with my hurt, my broken heart, my mistakes, I constantly feel bad. Almost useless, and definately worthless.
My Grandma died the summer between 6th and 7th grade, I became a Christian during the 8th grade, but by this point I was lost in a deep and cynical depression. During the 9th grade I was 14 years old. I started to cut as a way to relieve the pain or to distract myself from it. This habbit quickly became addicting. And on and off for the past 5 years of my life I have consistantly self-injured. At one point- I even attempted to commit suicide. All the while I was wondering what God meant when he called me into ministry.
Every day the words God spoke to me years ago echo in my mind. I hear them and still every day I fight them. Why? Because I am angry with God. I still feel betrayed by God and the people he created. Every scar I have reminds me of the pain, a haunting memory. Satan did a good job planting a seed of hatred. Something I haven't been able to overcome. I try somedays, I really do, but I havent broken free. Scripture is ful of stories about God's love, power, freedom, and sovereignty but I've Yet to take those stories and see them as truth in my life. I know what life should be like- but it's definately not what I know and feel.

Some say I should go by what I know and not by what I feel and I agree to some extent but I can't ignore every feeling I have.
I left Bethany because I was tempted and deceived but it has opened my eyes to how selfish and wrong my own desires and plans are. It has opened my eyes to how much I will be disatisfied with my choices if I don't go with God's plan.
Being home, in community college, hasn't fixed the problem. And if I could return right now, it wouldn't fix the problem either. Fixing the problem starts with a lot of honest prayer and some honest meetings with my mentor and pastor. In the depth of my heart I desire to know God for who he really is and not for who I've made him to be. My perceptions of God are wrong, always have been, and now I need to change that. It is my intent to return to Bethany and follow through with what God has planned. But I want to come back a different person. I want to be the person God desires me to become and it will take some time but I think it will be worth it in the end. I hope this helps you understand why I am not there with you this semester.

Day 1 & 2

I ask a lot of questions. Mainly because I want to know the answers, but sometimes I ask questions that I already know the answer too. For instance, last night I asked God some questions that I already knew the answers to. I didn't forget the answers, but I needed to hear them again, I needed to see if I could believe them again.
So I asked away...
"God, do you love me?" "God, do you understand why I can't trust you? But that I want to trust you, but don't really understand how to trust you?" "God, why do I run from you instead of allowing you to reveal your truth to me?"
It was an emotional time of crying out to God, but that wasn't unexpected. I knew that eventually I would end up taking this all back to Him. I just didn't know when.
This is going to be a different two weeks as I continue this challenge...

So it must begin...

I want it to end; but this is only the beginning. You who read this might be perfect strangers or some of my closest friends. However, by reading this you are equal by trust. You both receive the same trust, and I am equally vulnerable to the person in Eastern China as I am to the person in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Yes, I am afraid of the consequences because I know me. I am who I am. I know where I have been and I know this cycle I live. But you don't. Mainly because I don't trust you with anything but the lies. This time this brutal cycle must end. Somehow it has to be stopped and my skewed perceptions of God need to be fixed. My head and my heart are very closely tied. Unless both parts agree in unison I am paralyzed. My heart is heavy and my head is clouded. Here is where my problems with God begin. At some point I came to the realization that God existed and I should serve him, but I missed one truth that is crucial to the Christian faith. I, somehow, am unable to believe that God is love. I know the Bible teaches of God and of his love, faithfulness, and sovereignty, but my heart doesn't agree. You see, I have been wounded. I've been betrayed, dropped, and I still hurt. There is no breath without pain, No thought without question. How is God going to be any different? Is He any different?

This is the beginning. A friend of mine has asked me to take two weeks to try something new, something that is going to be a challenge, and there will be days where I don't feel like completing the task, but I have agreed to it so I must. I am to read at least one chapter from the following books: Genesis, Isaiah, Psalms, Matthew, and Romans. And then spend the rest of the time in prayer- Oh, and this needs to consume one hour of my day. Do I want to do this- no not really. Should I, most definately. So I will... and we will see what happens.