a letter.

Everyone might have their questions, but only I have the answers. So please, while I can, let me explain my decision to leave Bethany this semester. Right now- even as I write this letter my heart is very heavy. I chose to do something I thought I wanted and turns out I was wrong. And I know my character hasn't always reflected Christ and for that I am truly sorry.
Some time ago I blamed God for something horrible that happened in my life. I blamed God for the pain, anger, hurt, confussion, and sense of betrayal that stemmed from my Grandma's untimely and sudden death almost 8 years ago. At the time I had not yet given my life to Christ and had no idea what his love is like. I still don't. Because I have blamed God most of my life for the pain I carry with me on a daily basis I have never allowed God to truly come close enough to love me as he wants to love me. I have been so afriad my whole life to let anyone care for me because I fear being hurt, lied to, dropped, and broken more than I fear death.
This has made it particularly hard to commit to God's will for my life. How am I supposed to follow a God I can't seem to trust or love? My resistance to God's love has caused me to do somethings that I regret greatly. Because I feel that I have no one to help me with my hurt, my broken heart, my mistakes, I constantly feel bad. Almost useless, and definately worthless.
My Grandma died the summer between 6th and 7th grade, I became a Christian during the 8th grade, but by this point I was lost in a deep and cynical depression. During the 9th grade I was 14 years old. I started to cut as a way to relieve the pain or to distract myself from it. This habbit quickly became addicting. And on and off for the past 5 years of my life I have consistantly self-injured. At one point- I even attempted to commit suicide. All the while I was wondering what God meant when he called me into ministry.
Every day the words God spoke to me years ago echo in my mind. I hear them and still every day I fight them. Why? Because I am angry with God. I still feel betrayed by God and the people he created. Every scar I have reminds me of the pain, a haunting memory. Satan did a good job planting a seed of hatred. Something I haven't been able to overcome. I try somedays, I really do, but I havent broken free. Scripture is ful of stories about God's love, power, freedom, and sovereignty but I've Yet to take those stories and see them as truth in my life. I know what life should be like- but it's definately not what I know and feel.

Some say I should go by what I know and not by what I feel and I agree to some extent but I can't ignore every feeling I have.
I left Bethany because I was tempted and deceived but it has opened my eyes to how selfish and wrong my own desires and plans are. It has opened my eyes to how much I will be disatisfied with my choices if I don't go with God's plan.
Being home, in community college, hasn't fixed the problem. And if I could return right now, it wouldn't fix the problem either. Fixing the problem starts with a lot of honest prayer and some honest meetings with my mentor and pastor. In the depth of my heart I desire to know God for who he really is and not for who I've made him to be. My perceptions of God are wrong, always have been, and now I need to change that. It is my intent to return to Bethany and follow through with what God has planned. But I want to come back a different person. I want to be the person God desires me to become and it will take some time but I think it will be worth it in the end. I hope this helps you understand why I am not there with you this semester.